Why's and whatifs have long played out.

I'm so drained. Thank GOD school is over. It's really not healthy for me to be so tired all the time. It's like I can't get enough sleep, I'd sleep all day if time would permit it.

There are so many things I want to say to so many different people, but I don't have the guts to. I want to walk right up to the person I like at the moment, and just lay a big wet one right on his mouth, and tell him how I feel. But I know I'll never do that, I'm not confident enough with myself to. Plus, he has a girlfriend, and that would be really bad. Lots of drama.

I guess that bit was just laying the foundation for what I really want to say.

I can't believe you. I really can't. We've been friends for how long, and you completely ignore me for someone you've known for a few months. Ok, he's your boyfriend, but what ever happened to "chicks before dicks"? I can't believe you're so willing to jeopardize a friendship that's lasted 14 years. You say you'll have more time when school ends, but I bet you my entire savings that we won't hang out much at all. I bet you you'll still stay over there everynight and not even give me a thought.

AND YOU. You need to stop being...well you. You need to figure out where your priorities lie. You need to stop offering things, then taking them away when I don't measure up in your eyes. Actually, I'd like to know when I'll EVER be good enough for you. When will I ever do enough, try hard enough? Will you ever stop telling me I don't meet your standards? I thought I was a daughter, not a "roomate" as you so "lovingly" say. Where is it written that when your child turns 18, you stop caring for them? Up until a week ago, I went with one pair of pants, ONE, because I don't measure up.

You'll be sorry.

Original Picture #8:

"Come here baby and let BRIAN show you what it feels like."

Ok, so I'm not posting anything that will really make you think. But I had an amazing weekend, and I really feel like writing a blog about it. So here goes. :D

It started off with a really great and family-oriented Thanksgiving. I love family get togethers, because, well I love my family a whole lot. My sister cooked a mean dinner too. :D

The following day, obviously Friday, I reunited with my old crew for a night of ice skating. Yes, I did fall. On my face, in fact. It was my first time EVER ice skating, so I used the bars. They are basically something you can hold onto while you skate around. It's really fun. I had a really rad time. I'm glad I'm somewhat reunited with my old crew.

Last night was easily the best night of my entire break. I stayed over Steph's and we basically watched videos and hung out all night, we also woke Aaron up. OOPS. We didn't even go to bed until about seven, then we got up for JESSE MCCARTNEY at 9. We also worked on our Ho Ho Hopefully remake, which is on my Myspace. After all of that, Aaron had CALEB TURMAN call me from FTSK! It was really nice of him, considering how busy he probably was. Caleb told me and Stephanie that he loved us and that he wished we could have made the show. I love that man. AND AARON LAMB.

Obviously, I had a great weekend.

I'd like to take this time to talk about an upcoming website that will be made my Stephanie Lalla, Kerstyn LaManna and myself. It's going to be a music website. We're going to do interviews with bands, album reviews, concert reviews, photography, etc. If the website takes off, we're going to invite other people to join and become part of our team. I'm extremely excited for this. I'm trying to make the website as soon as possible so that I can interview Every Avenue on the 26th of December and make that our first interview ever as a team. WISH ME LUCK!

Original Photograph:

Look at this. An entire generation of Cinderellas...and there's no slipper coming.

What happened today is a perfect example of exactly how much I rely on music.

I went into my room, got out the CD Stephanie made for me last night, and pressed the cd release button on my sterio. I pressed it about five times before I realized that it wasn't working. So I checked to make sure it was plugged in, it was. Then I proceeded to freak out because I thought it was broken. I was almost to the point of tears when I realized that the power strip was turned off. I turned it on and breathed a sigh of relief when the unset clock showed up on my stereo.

That just goes to show you that I. LOVE. MUSIC. Just because I thought my radio was broken, I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I'm sure I've stressed so many times in previous blogs that music means a lot to me. My violin, my guitar, my voice, my radio, my iTunes, my cds, etc. Number one.

That's all I'm really going to write for now, TRL Finale is on in 40 minutes!


I just want to be memorable.

Despondent, distracted, you're vicious and romantic. These are a few of my favorite things.

I'm writing for the sake of writing. I don't have much to say, but I hate that I haven't updated since September.
A LOT has happened in the past two months.

For one, I met some really great friends. Ted and Zaid, among others. Ted is probably my best guy friend, him and Aaron. I miss Aaron. I made plans to go to Syracuse with Stephanie. I made the decision to take a year after college and try out the photography thing. I can't ignore my calling. I started smoking again. I still don't have a job. I rediscovered my love for Taking Back Sunday. I met John O'callaghan and the boys from The Maine. I realized that I really like John O'Callaghan and I want to be friends with him. I talked to him for over an hour at Compromising. I got into the Compromising tour for free. I talked to Alex Gaskarth, and he actually remember me this time. I interviewed Josh from Every Avenue, and Sergio from Thieves and Villains. I tried straight vodka in Thieves and Villains tour van. I've started my book, head on. I apologized to Dan for everything I put him through during the 3 years I liked him. I found someone who may have liked me, but realized I couldn't date him, not how he is now at least. I made a lot of friends at school.

I'm still the same old me with a new touch.

So, tell me darling do you wish we'd fall in love?

You want to know the REAL me? Here you go, I'm holding nothing back.








My name is Gabrielle Rose Elizabeth. I'm your average 19 year old human. I have ten fingers, ten toes, a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth and a full head of hair. I'm typical. I'm nothing extrordinary. I have a family that loves me. I live with my dad. We don't always get along. But I love him. Sometimes I truly don't like him, but that's normal. I have a sister. She has a history of drug addiction, theft, and jailtime. I have a nephew who's thirteen months older than me. He has a baby daughter and a seventeen year old wife. He's the closest thing I have to a brother. We grew up together. I have an eleven year old nephew who is so psychologically screwed up that he might be beyond repair. I have a six year old nephew who probably has ADHD. He has more energy in his pinky that most people have in their whole body. He has hardly any attention span. He doesn't know how control himself sometimes. I have a 2 year old niece who was addicted to methodone when she was born. She didn't start walking until she was 16 months. She didn't start talking until she was 28 months. She barely has any hair. I love her more than I love probably anyone. I love that she looks up to me. I have a four month old great niece who has a killer smile and pretty kickass mohawk. I have a best friend who is more like a sister than anything else. She's been my best friend for fourteen years. She knows everything there is to know about me. We bicker like a married couple. But I love her to death. I have a friend who is almost exactly like me. She's 4 years younger, but it doesn't matter. She's an important part of my life. My concert buddy. My "little sister." I get along better with boys than I do with girls. The amount of guy friends I have is doubled five times the amount of girl friends. Girls are petty and bitchy.
I'm paranoid. Not in an "everyone is out to get me" way, but in an "oh no, they didn't talk to me today, what if they're mad at me?" sort of way. I'm far from normal. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of monsters. I keep a chair propped up against my closet door when I sleep. I'm afraid that when I leave the room, people will talk about me. I'm afraid that when I leave to go to the bathroom, whoever I came with will leave me there. I have an obsessive personality. Once I become friends with someone, I'll want to be friends with them for life. It's not obsessive in a bad way, it's just that I rely on people too much. I get let down when I do that. They never enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. I'm too quick to trust people. I'm too quick to open up my life to someone. I never learn. I fall easily. Most of the time it's only a crush. I've been in love once. I'm selfish like the best of them. Many things I do are with myself in mind. Other times, I'm concerned for the well being of others above myself. I'm funny. I'm loud. I can be obnoxious and immature. I can also be serious when the time calls for it. I used to be painfully shy. I'm outgoing now. I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I'm not a pushover. I don't let people make fun of me and get away with it. I don't care what people think about me. Though I do faulter and conform just like every other person at times. But for the most part, I'm real and not fake. I'm overweight. I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. I can be selfconscious, but I rarely let it break through my exterior. I'm anemic. I'm supposed to take iron pills. I don't.
My mom died when I was 14. It was hard on my entire family. I miss her every single day of my life. I think I repressed it until tenth grade. That's when it hit me. I became depressed and suicidal. I used to cut and burn my wrists. Sometimes I think I only did it for the attention, but then again that's usually the reason behind those things. I've had my share of mental breakdowns.
I've lost and grown apart from so many people that I used to call my best friends. I'm not a pushover. I'm not weak. Not anymore. Not like I was in highschool. I'm glad I'm out of there. College has so much more freedom. Less drama too.
Music is something I'm very passionate about. It's one of the main reasons I am who I am today. I've played violin for eight years and guitar for two. I'm not amazing at either. I have a great singing voice. I can harmonize. I know the words to just about every song in the english speaking language. It's rare to find me not listening to music, or singing it, or talking about it. I like everything from pop/punk to country, except for death metal and growling music. I would live in a crowd at a show if I could. That is where I truly feel the most like myself. My favorite band is All Time Low. I love them with all of my heart. There are a lot of reasons behind that. They helped me through my mom's death when I was depressed. They taught me not to take things so seriously. They taught how to be free. Alex Gaskarth is one of my heroes. Not just because he's the singer of my favorite band either. He's smart, and caring. He's funny. He's an amazing lyricist. He's an amazing writer. He's everything I strive to be. All Time Low means more to me that I can even begin to explain.
I'm a photographer. My camera is like my third hand. The feeling I get when I snap that perfect shot is like no other. It makes me feel proud and accomplished. I want to be known for my photography. I want to look at a picture on a billboard or in a magazine and say "Hey, I took that." I want someone to admire my work and say "Hey, she's an amazing artist." I would die to be a professional photographer.
I love to read. I read at least 12 books a year. I have a great vocabulary because of all the books I read. I read Harry Potter, Twilight, Jodi Picoult, Sarah Dessen, then theres the classics like Wuthering Heights, Peter Pan, Alice In Wonderland, Crime And Punishment, etc. I've been reading Harry Potter since it first came out. I've had an unhealthy obsession. I love letting books take me away. My latest obsession is Twilight. I picked it up this Summer, and I read all four books in a matter of a month. It's scary how much I wish I could find a guy as perfect in every way as Edward Cullen. Sometimes I really do think he's real.
Writing is something else I'm extremely passionate about. Fiction above all else is what I love to write. It's the best feeling in the world when you get everything off your chest and down on paper. It's like having a weight lifted from your shoulders that you didn't know was there.
I have a lot of pet peeves. I don't like when people use you to get ahead or to get what they want. I like honesty and loyalty because that's one thing I always am. People who think the world of themselves annoy me. I don't think it's flattering to flaunt yourself at other people. It's unnecessary to try and prove that you're better than someone else. I hate, hate, hate when people use poor grammar. I find myself always correcting them. They think it's a bad habit? Well it's an even worse one to spell things like "ur", or "wit", or "2".






I hope whoever has taken the time to read this has a better understanding of why I'm like I am. I hope you can truly get a sense of the real me.

Your heart has a lack of color.

I'm dying to get back into photography. I've been looking at some of my old photos, and I miss it. I miss walking around town with my camera, looking for a good shot. I need to take Lily out and just watch her play. She's my muse. A lot of my pictures are of her or are inspired by her. I need to get my flash fixed. My canon is not the same without the flash. I love my canon and I wouldn't trade it in for any other camera. But that doesn't mean I can't get a new one, a better one. I want a EOS-50D. This camera is amazing, 15.1 mega pixels, 3-inch LCD monitor. I have to have it, granted it's 1,399.00. I'll save for 5 years if I have to, my Canon does me good for now. I can really picture myself becoming a photographer one day. Walking around New York City, capturing the Fall leaves at their best, going back to my studio and editing them to perfection. I'd love to take professional portraits also, have people come to my studio or something like that.

I've been listening to Owl City a lot lately. I love his voice and his mix of pop and electonica music. The lyrics are really inspiring, beautiful to listen to. They really get me thinking sometimes. I owe this new found love of Owl City to this really amazing person. Most people don't really know who he is, but after talking to him on the phone for over an hour on Saturday night, I came to realize that he's more than just a really funny guy from Ohio. He's intelligent, easy-going, and I think he could be my best friend. It's funny how you can talk to a total stranger like you've known them your whole life. It's always nice when you have a new respect for someone.

Photo #3:

Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow...

I sat watching the sky today as it gradually changed its color, noticing how it took no time at all for the sun to set. It really got me thinking that time flys by so fast, and we shouldn't waste any of it. If we dwell on the insignicant trials in our lives, we'll miss the big picture, we'll miss what we're supposed to make of our lives. If we sit around waiting for a certain boy to call, or for everything to work out the way we want, we may become blind to what is right there, in the palm of our hands. We may become so wrapped in our petty thoughts and complaints, that we'll forget to take a step back and enjoy the sunsets and sunrises of our lives.

This is a little off topic, ok a lot off topic, but I really want to stress what a simple concert means to me. When I'm in the crowd, I truly feel home. I love the feeling of the music pulsing through me, the vibrations in my chest. At a show, I can just let go and, in that moment, be completely insane, dance to the music, shout out the lyrics. No one looks at me funny, because they're all doing the same thing. Nothing matters when I catch the eyes of the particular singer of the night, when he/she sings the lyrics right to me. I love screaming along to the commentary and cheering when they announce the next song. I even love the raspiness of my voice after the concert is over and the way my ears just want to explode from all the noise, because I know it was all worth it.

Photo #2: